It seems fitting that I start my story about this Indian trip.. halfway through it.

To start at the beginning would seem to make sense but then so do a lot of things like being able to  a get chance of affordable health care in ones country of residence or an airline charging the full 1700 dollars for my fare and not $35.68.

This is a vibrant place likeable people, but it is quite mad, even taking into account my inherent cultural bias, its as mad as fuck.

Yesterday I thought I would get myself a sim card. Actually my cheap indian dentist suggested I get one , so she could call be at 7 pm to come in for more tooth grinding or some such.

BTW I feel should be point out that the dentistry is cheap , not the dentist.

So I found a shop, a very small shop, well actually more of a doorway with a faded picture of a cell phone.

I enter, surprisingly cool and refreshing in the ‘shop’ as it was 35C outside

A sim card please, a nano one.

Yes Sir that will be 250 rupees.

Have you got your passport?

What do I need a passport for

It is regulations sir,

Strange thought I , but as the hotel ( which sound more glamorous then it actually is} was just across the road.

I say road in the loosest of terms, More like a series of pot holes connected by tarmac .

I went back to get it.

Crossing the “road” where I live in Island bay is reasonably easy you look both ways and if nothing is comming you cross.

Here it is slightly more difficult with tuk tuk ,bikes, scooters, car, oxes, pedestrians all mixed up in akind of free for all. Not to mention the horns never mention the horns those fucking horns I never want to hear a fucking horn again no no sir not mentioning the horns ever again.

Fucking horns

Ok Collect myself, get passport, cross track again step over man randomly plastering step as smooth and level, well smooth, kneeling down knee in pothole getting his leg squashed by an occasional vehicle, and enter the cell phone shack.

Ok I have my passport

Have you got your visa Sir ?

Do I need it?

Oh yes sir you definitely do sir

The Visa of course was in my room.

One has to apply for and Indian Visa online before one travels

It was a straight forward process about 8 pages long and wanted to know my family history and dates for several generations, who i worked for and the company structure.

It also asked if i had traveled to India before 

I lied,the form dropped down to another few pages where ?when? how?

It was 38 years ago, Seeing I can barely remenber what happened last week it seemed prudent to lie.

 I have no doubt that somewhere in old Delhi in a door way marked “The Indian department of foreign national passport checking “ someone is crosschecking my details.

I am not worried though because although I know they will find out I lied, I shall be long dead before that happens and it will be my poor grandchildren who will get the fine request. 100 rupees + interest

 “That will be 5600000000 rupees sir” Can you please pay “The department of collecting fines for lying on visa forms” Payments to be made on the third Thursday of every second month, the year beginning in August.

An interesting item on the visa form was the drop down menu for “choosing my religion” didn’t give the option for anything other then belief in something, I lied again. I had lost the will to believe.

Back to the shop....

Whilst attempting the hazardous crossing, a man stopped me and asked for money, his two arms, stumps cut off above the elbows. Very confronting, in shock I turned nearly got run down by a speeding tuk tuk

In the shop again, horns ring in my ears Fuck fuck fuck mentioned those damned horns.

I paused, two things came into my head

1 Fuck I know what happened to his arms, he tried crossing that road once to often

2 If I gave him some money where would I put it?

To the job in hand

Is there any thing else that I need apart from the passport and visa?

[Impressed eh?]

Yes sir a passport photograph

Where do I get that?

Next door sir.

Why was I not surprised.

I went back to my room lay down exhausted questioning my need for Indian sim card and drifted off to sleep

Next day, summoned all my strength and resolve to cross the crossing of death,  destruction, maiming and noise oh the noise and went through the door marked photos...

To my surprise this was all they did and  very  efficiently,  lovely guy took my photo, me seated on a bench in front of a sort of white and  badly stained wall, he then transferred image to computer and rather expertly photoshopped the image background to a nice sky blue paying particular attention to getting the pixels around my head correct. 

 Printed it out 8 copies cut up nice plastic bag. 

$2 Please Sir ?

Very impressive I feel that there was a stage where he could have been even more efficient but hey.

So Back in Sim card shop

Here is my passport

Here is my Visa

Here is my Photo

Here is 250 rupees

Can I have a sim card ?

Sir you have to fill in this two page form

Oh

yes sir and sign here

here

and here and across the photo sir.

Ok now can I have a sim card ?

Oh no sir you have to wait tiil tomorrow at 2.30 because we need to get it approved

come back to the shop then and we will activate it for you sir.

Excuse me this does seem to be long winded process any idea why it takes so long?

Its because of the Pakistanis sir..

Oh yes that explains it

I Leave shop put my hands over my ears and thank god

Till tomorrow ,,,,,,